Overcome the past, move towards the future: part 1

PART ONE

From an early age, I learnt the hard way that life is full of challenges and it is not always easy to fit in with the crowd. I remember how, at school, it felt safer to keep a low profile and just follow what was hot at that moment. This can often be limiting, as it can prevent you from ever really being yourself and embracing your differences and just living your life the way you want to live it.

The strangest thing I find is that as we get older we are still caught up between this vicious circle, which carries on into our professional (adult) world.  We care too much what others think of us and this can limit our full potential.

I guess that when I was growing up, I wished I could have been more like the popular beautiful girls in my class. They all had beautiful figures and lots of male attention and were always being invited to infamous parties, which was the talk of the class the next day. 


Most of these girls were super skinny unlike my hips and bottom which were always too large for my liking. It seemed like every piece of clothing just hung on me. Plus it wasn’t cool that I could always be found somewhere in the library reading or doing my homework. As I hard as I tried to look and fit in with the in crowd, I just did not have the grace, looks or hair to pull off the hairstyles and clothes.

So I knew I didn’t have the glamour to compete with these super human creatures but, I had the brains. And boy, was I good at coming first in class! I felt that I had to study in order to be good at something and study I did. 


The better grades I received, the higher my status amongst the nerds! I was officially top of the nerd status list and I was proud to be there! But being a nerd had its disadvantages.  I was always bullied for being that girl who just studied all the time and was never accepted in the ‘It’ crowd, no matter how hard I tried.

And no matter how clever I was. In fact, it seemed the cleverer I became, the more I got picked on. I was getting good grades but something was missing. I had a longing for more than just being known as that nerd! I was never happy. I just wanted to be like the others. I wanted their lifestyles and even their boyfriends or at least a boyfriend. The popular kids were just a rare breed in my eyes. They were different. They were the apple of society’s eyes.

I grew up thinking the popular kids had life easy and when Kia confirmed that she was always popular at school, I felt slightly angry. She couldn’t possible understand me as a person and how much I have struggled.

From time to time, Kia talked about the power of women and how you have to stay true to who you were. I felt myself struggling against the urge to blurt out, “Easy for you to say. You have always been popular. You have no idea what it was like for me.”

It wasn’t until I noticed the questioning look on Kia’s face that I realised I had revealed my true thoughts. I really should have been more careful. They weren’t longer in my mind. I had said them and she had heard them.

“I didn’t mean...”

“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m use to it.”



There was an awkward moment of silence between us and for a split second, I thought I had blown the opportunity to shadow her for sure. We were sitting at Prêt and she was having her usual latte, “I hated being popular,” she said suddenly. 


“You thought you were bullied for being a nerd? Well, I was bullied for being too popular. Girls can be so mean at times and I had the bad end of the stick. Girls were afraid to have me around because they thought I was either going to hit on their boyfriend or make them look bad.”

She went on, “They were always trying to pick a fight with me because they thought I thought I was better than everyone else. I was always an easy target for both girls and boys easily picked out from the crowd and I hated the fact that I stood out from the crowd.”

Pausing for a moment, she stared into her latte as if she was seeing something I couldn’t and suddenly, her eyes were filled with sadness. I knew she was reliving some painful experience from the past. “I had so much pressure put on me that it was unreal. People told my mother she should be so proud of me because I was going to do so great. 


I became obsessed with being perfect. I remember when I didn’t get the GCSE grades I was predicted, I stayed in the park, afraid to go home, afraid to say ‘Hi mother, yeah, well you know those grades you were expecting, well, they didn’t happen’, ” she said, exasperated. 

She looked up at me. “You know there is a memory that I have that stick with me even to this day, when I think about it I push harder than ever to be somebody,” she mentioned.

“Tell me,” I said. I was curious and busy jotting down what she was saying in my note pad. I was hungry for more. I wanted her to spill all.

“I remember my first Psychology lesson, at college, when some guys just couldn’t stop bothering, like flirting, you know and I was trying to pay attention but they just wouldn’t quit. The teacher turned around angrily and told me to leave the boys alone and stop distracting them, even though they were the ones bothering me, “she stated. 

“You know what he said to me after class? He said, ‘You may think that butter can melt in your mouth but, in my class you are just another silly girl that thinks their looks is going to get them through life and it won’t. You won’t reach anywhere but, just have babies like all the others’.”

I didn’t know what to say to Kia, particularly because I couldn’t understand the effect that comment would have on her.

 “As a little girl, I always got so much attention that I became scared of going out.  But you could never tell because I always had lots of girls around me, ‘my crew’ I called them and they gave me that protective comfort, “she says, reflecting on some happy times.

“I felt safe with them and I wouldn’t go anywhere without them. I was brought up with a grandmother that told me I had to be smart, that looks fade and so I can never rely on them. It was embedded in my brain so much that I had an obsession to be taken seriously. 


I had this pretence air of confidence about me. I was determined to be taken seriously, coupled with the fact that I was extremely competitive. I didn’t want to be boxed in by anything and I fought hard against anything that tries to confine me.”

“Well... it’s all been for the good,” I said. “I mean, you are driven and you are focused and you seem to really love people so you were able to overcome all those negative...”

“You would think,” Kia said, cutting me off immediately. “You know what my biggest fear is? The bad memory of that teacher remained with me for a long time and I fought so hard against his voice. It uses to haunt so much that I rejected the idea of having kids, just being known for just that. It has taken a long time for me to accept myself for who I am and I am more determined than ever to embrace my differences.”

For a while, I couldn’t speak anymore, shocked and intrigued at what I had just heard. Whatever did happen next?

PART TWO CONTINUES.....